A disorder characterized by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.Every time I hear about PTSD, I associate it with war or major accidents. Today, sitting in my therapists office, we are discussing triggers and events in my life where I had the most traumatic feelings of failure. I recalled the entire time I was in high school and then when I was fired from working with the City of Kingsland back in 2012. I wanted to talk about my teen years, and therapist wanted to talk about being fired.
So I briefly tell her what happened to me during my employment, and then how it quickly changed and then I was fired. I told her how when I went to talk to H.R. about what was going on with the women in my department, he gave me the day off and told me that we would all meet and discuss. When the day came to talk, me, H.R. and my 2 bosses, I had to listen to them tear me down as if I had been this awful employee the entire year and a half I was there. I attempted to speak up and defend myself, and the H.R. manager told me to "shut up" that this was not the time to speak. I was not only humiliated, but I was given "write-up's" that I had never seen dating back months before (without my signature on them). Needless to say, the whole situation was terrible and caused me to drink heavier than I had ever drank before. 30 Days later I was fired.
I have never been fired. I was devastated, sad, depressed, angry, and felt guilt beyond what I should have felt. These woman bullied me, and then they spread awful rumors about me. 9 months later, I finally found a part-time job working for CVS. I found out about a month in that someone anonymously called my manager to tell them I was a whistle-blower and to watch out. I could not believe it. They stooped that low to call my new job? What had I done to deserve to not ever work again?
I started to cry in my therapists office. All those feelings came back. Therapist said I had some post traumatic stress from this. I was surprised. I wasn't in war! I wasn't in any sort of traumatic accident where I almost died. It took me a long time to move past being fired the way I was. I cried over this for years after. I was tortured inside because I had blamed myself for failing at this job. I never ever wanted to not take responsibility for my actions. But those women never took responsibility for their actions. The way I was treated has left me with scars.
I hope to learn how to accept myself, and accept that I am worthy of a good job. I am not a failure, although it is one of my fears which is the root of my anxiety. It was an emotional session today and I wanted to blog because I had to get it out of my head.