Saturday, August 22, 2015

90 Days Sober

90 days sober today. 90 days alcohol free. I definitely wasnt sure if I "qualified" to be an alcoholic since I wasnt chemically dependent on alcohol. I would usually get black out drunk at least 2 times a week, and it would have been more had my job not gotten in the way. I was missing almost a day of work every week to 2 weeks. I was lying to myself and my family about the amount of drinking I did. I could never just have 1-2 drinks, that was impossible. I mean, what is the use drinking if your not going to get drunk, right? In February 2015, I started seeing a substance abuse counselor. I opened up to her, and let the truth come out. I drank to get drunk, period. I drank until I blacked out. I usually fought with my husband every night I was drunk, or I would sit up until 4am posting on Facebook. Most friends would know if I was posting a lot past midnight, I was drunk. I was called 'Drunky McGee' a lot from a close friend of mine, and it was pissing me off. Something had to give.

Today I feel better, and my life has definitely changed. I see mornings now, where before I would sleep all day. I am more driven to finish college. I have more time to live life. I am not as emotional or depressed as I would be about life. I am seeing a therapist once a week, and that helps so much. I have a great support system with my family. I am one lucky girl.

Going to attend my first face to face meeting today. I have been putting it off, but I am going to make myself go. I know that I am not fully committing to the steps, and I need to fully commit to my sobriety.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

There is not a moment in my life that I could imagine not having you in it. I am so thankful everyday that I have you around, as so many others have lost their own, just like you did. I don't think there are words that can express the emotion I feel when I think about how much I love you. I have to pause writing this, and really gather my thoughts and emotions. In that pause, I remember your hugs when I was little. I remember your tears when I was hurt. I remember a lot of tears actually... because, like other young teen girls, I tested your sanity with all of my might. I pushed you away. I hated you for grounding me to my room. I rebelled without a cause. Maybe this was to prepare you for something great. I am not sure myself, I just know that I was out of control.

But, you never gave up on me. Always let me come back home. You had to know the storm inside of me would pass eventually. years later, here I am at 36 years old! Even though I have no children of my own yet, I do applaud you for being so strong. Holding it all together when you could have just threw in the towel. I admire that most about you.

Thank you mom, for loving me so much. Every lifetime we have, I know our souls are meeting up and we are on this path together for a reason. I pray that we continue to grow and learn from each other. I know we are not promised forever on this earth, and when our time comes to depart I need you to know that you are an amazing mom and I love you in this life and will in the next.

Love always,

Friday, April 3, 2015

Embracing Pain

The Truth of Our Existence: Four Teachings from the Buddha to Illuminate Your Life by Pema Chodrom

Incredible book so far. Totally has opened up my eyes to embracing not only happiness but anger and pain as well. We all have a plan in our minds, even if that plan is just for the trip to the grocery store. Ever find yourself getting angry over traffic? Then you get to the store and have to wait in line because only one check-out is open? I totally do that. I get even more pissed off when I get into the check-out line for 10 items or less and someone has 50 items!! I get so mad! 

After listening to the first part/chapter of this audible/book I learned that because we "plan" how the trip to the grocery store is going to go, we cause our own anger really. Because our plan was to leave the house, go to the store and get our needs and then leave. But in between all of that, LIFE HAPPENS! Imagine that!

This message was very enlightening for me. I am someone whose patience can be very thin. On Friday's, at 5'O Clock, I leave work and head to the store to get some errands done before heading home. Traffic in a small town can be quite...stressful. No blinkers, speeding cars all around you trying to get one more car length ahead, sudden stops. Its a sure way to get pissed off and start using hand gestures

From now on, when I start my day, I MUST accept all happy and angry moments. I must allow good and bad energy to develop. Accept this, and grow into a calmer person. LET IT GO! Breath, and let it go. We cannot control every aspect of each day.